The Legend of Zelda: Orthodontist of Time
by Floral Equinox
Summary: If country music can do it, The Legend of Zelda can do it better. Oneshot. Serious fic. Don't make it awkward.


Link fumbled with the folds of his tunic, anxiously waiting for his name to be called. Everyone in the orthodontic waiting room was all too familiar. There was Malon, who was babbling endlessly about how last time she was scolded for her milk breath, some Skulltulas who were trying to paint away the imperfections of the skeleton teeth on their back, and the Bokoblins were all sticking various magnetic objects to each others' head gear.

Link thumbed through the latest issue of _Nintendo Power_, trying to block out the elevator music blasting from the speakers. He was cut short, however, when he came across a photo of that man. That man who made him come to this stupid appointment. That man who said he would be fired if he didn't. That man who cares about teeth. That man who smiles all the time.

Shigeru Miyamoto.

If it wasn't for a mass email sent out to all Nintendo first-party characters (excluding, of course, King Bulblin, whose appalling dental hygiene only adds to his evil appearance) by that man, Link wouldn't be here right now, dreading whatever creature that was going to prod at his mouth. That man needed to be taught a lesson, that man needed—

Link spotted the King of Evil on his way out. He quickly jumped into fighting stance.

Ganondorf snickered.

"You too, Ganondorf?" Link mumbled.

"You can't conquer the world without beautiful teeth," he said, evilly. "Well, it looks like I won't be needing this anymore." Ganondorf procured a hot pink retainer from behind his back and disposed of it in a nearby softly colored trash can. He threw his head back to laugh evilly and show off his gleaming pearly whites. The shimmer almost blinded Link.

"Good luck, _Hero,_" he sneered, and left.

"Link," said the curly-haired receptionist, "the doctor will see you now."

* * *

><p>The Hero of Time walked back the hall and to the left, per the receptionist's directions, heroically. Courageously. Because, well, y'know.<p>

But he could not have expected the familiar face that welcomed him with a smile when he entered the room.

"M-mutoh?"

"Hey! It's you!" Mutoh smiled and discarded the set of seemingly bloody braces he clutched in a gloved hand. "I was wondering when I'd get to work on you."

"What are you doing here?"

"Well," Mutoh exhaled and hoisted his shoulders backward characteristically, "after you rescued all my lazy carpenters from the Gerudo, I decided to switch careers. You'd be amazed how the skills transfer over."

"I'm sure," Link said warily, acknowledging Mutoh's selection of construction—er, _dental_ instruments.

"Sit down!" Mutoh said invitingly, but forced Link into the chair.

"I really don't think this is the best time for me," Link tried to weasel his way out of impending doom.

Mutoh kicked the chair to an extreme decline. Link _grckk_'d.

"Nonsense!" Mutoh laughed. "Every time is the best time for perfect teeth."

Mutoh shoved an uncomfortable, shiny object in Link's mouth when he opened it in protest. Link choked. The "Game Over" screen was quickly approaching.

"Tsk, tsk," _tsk_'d Mutoh, pulling the Dental Instrument of Twilight out of Link's mouth. "This is worse than I thought. Have you been falling on your face a lot?"

"Well, I usually try to do an action roll, but—"

"And has anyone punched you lately?"

"It's kind of my mission to fight things, but I have a shield and I—"

"No, no," Mutoh sighed. "I don't want to hear the excuses. The simple truth is that your teeth are all out of line. I think it's from extended exposure to heroism. You need to cut back."

"But I—"

"You're going to need braces for at least a year, maybe a year and a half."

"What?" Link tried to jump out of the seat but hit his head on the lamp. "I can't be a _braceface_! Skyward Sword comes out this holiday season!"

"And Lord Ghirahim has been flossing like a madman. It's beautiful," Mutoh choked his words out, wiping a single tear from his eye.

"I can't believe this!" Link threw himself back dramatically.

"I'm sorry, but it's absolutely necessary," Mutoh said after snapping back to reality. He picked out a large needle from his collection of tools. "I'm terribly sloppy, having not attended Teeth School and all that, so I'm going to have to give you a teeny does of novocaine before I start drilling."

"Drilling? But I thought all I needed was braces!"

"Link," Mutoh sighed and forced the needle into Link's gums, "leave the specifics to the doctor."

"Hnngnn mmngmn mum!"

"Shhhhh…" Mutoh said gently, patting Link's arm.

* * *

><p>"Thurrendser, fiends!"<p>

Ganondorf laughed, exposing his perfect set of thirty-two.

"Thtop laughing! Thurrendser or dsie!"

Ganondorf doubled over and held up a hand to signify _one moment please, I can't stop laughing at your hideous, terribly unheroic orthodontic-induced speech impediment._

"I'm thick of thith!" Link shouted, and threw the Master Sword angrily on the ground.

"Wait wait wait!" Ganondorf beckoned before Link stormed out of his lair. He straightened up a little, wiped away his tears, and stifled a few _haha_'s before clearing his throat. "Don't go."

"What?" Link snapped.

Frown twitching, Ganondorf held his poker face just long enough.

"Say 'Princess Zelda'."


End file.
